It has been a very hard two years.
I've lost love.
I've lost a job (like so many others).
I've lost my home church and most of the people there that I thought were friends and family.
I've lost my sense of joy, my heart to reach out, and my trust in most.
It seems the only thing I've remained a grasp on is Hope. And, unfortunately, even that is slipping.
I'll more than likely have to sell my condo in the next couple of months if I don't find another part time job that actually pays well or a full time career that magically opens its doors for me. My money is running out right alongside my time.
I've always been pretty sleepless at night. Usually, because of so many creative ideas and dreams running through my mind or an excitement of seeing my love the next day. Now, I'm sleepless because I'm filled with worry about my future.
I cry out to God.
Where am I going? What is wrong with me? Why are you so silent? Why can I not hear?
There is no response. Just like every "father" figure I've known. Silent and standing so far off in the distance, I cannot hope to see. Is His back to me? Is He even trying? I can't tell.
I can feel the bitter disappointment in my life well up inside me. It's not a part of who I am and I'm afraid it's killing my true self. The man that could be left is a mediocre shell of an empty human being. Perhaps that's what I've always been? Every single dream or path that was put in front of me, I have followed... and I have failed. People have failed me and I failed them. I've never succeeded in any endeavor.
Failure after failure. A lifetime. Wasted.
Have I missed my time? My moment?
I still pray. There are times when I scream to the skies, crying for a whisper. I cry out and hear nothing. I ask Him... Why am I not hearing? What is preventing my sight? Do you even speak out loud? Do you speak in signs? Do you speak through children? Through the lost? Where are you and what do I need to hear?
For a year and several months, nothing. Such a long time to live in silence. Maddening.
And, then one bitterly cold night, I walk my dog. It is eerily silent and there isn't a car on the road. The only sound is that of the cold breeze swaying the branches of the trees. I looked up to the sky with angry eyes and asked one last time for something simple. Something true.
At that moment, a Jeep sped up to the stop sign and stopped. I sighed in disappointment. The Jeep pulled away and slowly turned to the left. On the back was its spare wheel. And, on it's cover...
"life is good."
Simple, indeed.
I suppose I can Hope for a little longer.
Brice
I didn't read this until tody..it took my breath away as I read the depth of your pain....I have no words to make this season easier... I would give anything to be in columbia sitting around a table laughing with you and the family again. This would not be so hard if we were together. We may be apart but you are always in our thoughts and our hearts.
ReplyDeleteI have always thought of you as a success and a man filled with giftings, I admire. When I speak of you to my family here... I do so with pride... you are my friend and brother and a talented artist... the list goes on. Please know that you are not alone...You will always have us... you always have a place to come... you are family.
Our God is big... when you forget this.. think of Jaxon and Lexi and how they were impossibilites and then God moved. He will do the same in your life... His timing is perfect and He will never fail to carry you.
Remember that success in this life is not for us to define... but for God and His defination is often times blurred with what men say is successful....silent or not...He is moving on your behalf... just watch.
I love you...D
Man, that was way way heavy, and I could feel your longing even through the words, as good as words can express the width of life and emotions. Not sure words can convey what we feel, but you've proven even in your darkened hour that you have poetry inside you by the way you put your heart on paper, the page, the blog.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved by more than you know, my friend!
Wow. Thanks for being so open and sharing your pain about the last two years. As I read your thoughts and desperation, longing to be hopeful, I totally recognized myself in that. I was laid off from my job as a multimedia developer in Cedar Rapids, IA, in 2002. I had lived there for two years, and before that I had lived in KC for 6 years. I was actually happy to be cut free from living in Cedar Rapids, where basically all I had was the job. I moved back to KC, where I thought I wouldn't have much problem finding a job. After 18 long and arduous months, I finally found something, which is my current job, and not my ideal one by a long shot. By that time I was a shell of my former self, having lost some of my skills and most of my money, and gaining things like severe depression and panic attacks. It definitely also took a heavy toll on my faith. I mainly felt bitterness at God, and I'm still on the journey back toward the light in that regard. Since then my life has changed a lot. I met a lot of great friends through Fusion, been through some very painful relationships, everntually I met my wife, bought a house, and now we're having twins. I still struggle spiritually, but I have to say that God led me out of the darkness to something better. It took a few years and didn't happen instantly, but it did happen. And I know it will happen for you too, my friend. You are extremely talented, and you're a great guy. Do not lose hope! Sometimes it's the only thing we have. Mark
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