An Open Letter to 2009 (and a little something for 2008)...

2009. You horrible, stinky, sweat-stained, bulbous, ugly, mean-spirited, nasty, good for nothing fiend.

You've been very unkind. And with your friend 2008 taking turns at creating havoc and unpleasantness at my expense, I say, "You suck."

If you were at a party and I saw you there, looking all uppity up and happy with what you've accomplished, I would go out of my way to ignore the hell out of you.

If I saw you at the grocery store with your hands full of bags and bags of groceries, I would run up behind you and trip you into the grassy median (because tripping you on the parking lot is just too mean. I'm better than that) in front of where the cars park.  Then, I would laugh uncontrollably as I point out your misfortune with my extended index finger.

If you asked to borrow a dollar, I would say, "Sorry, I don't have any money on me." Then, I'd proceed into the nearest stores, buy the next item I see, walk back out to where you are standing and pull the item from the bag and throw it to the ground, shattering it into pieces. Then I'd say, "Hey, 2009. I lied. I have money but would rather buy something and break it in front of you instead of giving it to you. Ha." I would smile and walk away.

If you ran out of gas, I would honk and keep driving.

If you noticed that I was chewing gum and you wanted some, I would walk up to you, reach into my pocket and spit the piece in my mouth at your forehead in hopes that it would stick. "There you go."

You've been unkind, indeed. I don't trust you or any of your friends. 2008 was my friend (or at least, that's what I thought) until the end of the year when they said, "Ha! Ha! Just kidding about that whole 'friend' thing. I just wanted to see you squirm. Later, Loser! Ha!"
Oh, 2008. If I could only find you. I'd gently lift your chin with my index and forefinger of my left hand, bringing your eyes to mine, and punch you square in the throat with my free right hand. "Ha! Ha! to you. Who would be squirming then?"

Back to 2009. You're still here (at least for a few more hours) and I can still say what I need to say to you.  Jerk.

If I saw you at the theatre, enjoying a movie, I'd superglue your pants to the seat without you knowing and then would proceed to find your car and put peanut butter underneath the handles so that when you opened your door you got a handful of peanut goodness.

I'd prank call you from a pay phone down the block from your house and the only messages I'd leave would be the flatulence I could conjure up in the moment.

You know what?  I'd even figure out where your new workplace is going to be and I'd park in your parking space just long enough to not get towed and get on your nerves.

If you were behind me at the one working register at Best Buy with only a gift card to purchase and I had about a hundred things in my cart, I wouldn't let you in front of me.

If I ever won the lottery, I would set aside a substantial amount just for you.  Then I'd burn it rather than give it to you.

You suck and I hope to never see or hear from you again.

I'm not really that mean and would honestly never do most of these things, but 2008 and 2009 truly did suck.  I will be very disappointed if 2010 is in league with them. Very disappointed.

So many situations and moments that I'd love to take advantage of, but I'd say the worst would be this-- If you were a real person, 2008 and 2009, my friendship would be yours no more.  That would be it.  I am a friend worth having and you can cry yourselves to sleep tonight knowing the truth of that.  When you wake up tomorrow and lift your big fat heads off your tear-drenched pillows, you'll know that you've lost something great.


So... 2010... would you like to join me for some wonderfully delicious cookies?  If you need anything, just let me know.  I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

Brice