The Hand in the Darkness...

Originally written on November 30, 2010

For years I've tried to figure out how to talk to you.  I don't understand, I can't relate and I've never been able to.  It hasn't been from lack of trying or will.  I just feel disconnected.

Why is this such a difficult process of understanding; not only for me, but for so many? And, to add to the frustration, why is it seemingly so easy and clear to others?  This is a ridiculous question to ask or even feel, but are they better than me?  Do they try harder?  Are they in your favor more than I am?

I understand that my journey is my own.  I shouldn't be distracted by those who have it together (or the appearances of "having it together").  I see in others what I've longed for and begrudge them their comfort and blessing.  I shouldn't feel that.  I should be happy for them, ecstatic even.  But, I'm not.  It's easier said than done.  What I have to learn, I have to learn on my own; to find my own way, my own path.  I try to find answers from those I think are wise (how I know they might be wise is beyond me.  How would I know with no real role model or mentor to refer to?).  These wise people are a blessing but they are also human; they fail, they disappear and they have their own lives.

You are silent.  How can I learn from you in your silence?  How can I relate (or have a relationship for that matter) when all my efforts seem so one-sided.  I speak to no responses, I pray to no answers and I believe without hearing your voice.

I know you have done so much for me and it is more than can ever be repaid.  Please believe me when I say that I am truly and humbly thankful.  It is because of what you've done that I continue to seek you out.  You are the far away glimmer of light I reach for in the continual darkness that is our world.  I long for you.  I long for the touch and voice of the father I've never known or had.  I need your leadership, your guidance, your love,  and your voice in my life.

I only lack the knowledge of how to attain those things.  The need of them is often constricting in their absence.  Some say we find your voice and heart in your people and the church but, unfortunately, those are the places and people who've hurt me (and many others) the most.  There have been a few that have stood out far above and beyond.  They are held in my heart with great regard and they are held close.  But, the damage the church has done creates a far difficult barrier to overcome.

I blindly fall, not knowing where to turn in the dark and I reach into that blackness hoping to feel your strong hand grasp and lift me up.  In that darkness, there is no hand.  I cannot see.  There is only silence and the feeling of being alone.  The light dims and still I search, still I reach.  Are you there?  Do I reach into the wrong places?  Sometimes, I can sense you close and thrash my arms wildly around hoping to brush my fingers across your greatness.  But, I find nothing; no hand to help, no father to lead.

How can I know where you are?  How can I hear your voice and grasp your strength?

How can I know I am your child?