So, where the H-E-Double hockey sticks have I been, do you ask? Well... I've been struggling. And, I've always thought honesty is the best way to inform and relate. So, there it is. Struggling. I've written about all the goings-on (or perhaps a better way of putting it would be NON-goings-on) in my life over the course of the past few years. I really don't want to rehash or focus on all that again. I'd rather focus on the distraction that gets me by and, more importantly, the lessons that I might be beginning to learn again.
When I struggle and get lost in self pity/ loathing, I tend to get lost in distraction. I throw myself even more deeply into the worlds that my movies live in and escape into their wonder and their story. I do this because my own is far less glamorous and far less epic. I realize that this is not a healthy outlook or habit and you can be rest assured that it does not overtake me; I know my boundaries and limits and always come back to reality with broad shoulders and gritted teeth. No matter where I am or what happens, I've never fooled myself into thinking that my problems would ever go away. I take the distraction for a moment just long enough to catch my breath, then, I snap out of it and face the days ahead.
I've also been lucky (blessed, actually) enough to have a few friends who truly do care and help me rationalize the events surrounding me, helping me to stay positive and focused on where I'm at; not where I'm stuck.
Another (and better) distraction is that of working. I've spent hours and hours working on a farm here in Kansas City; working outside in the fresh air, the sounds of trees swaying in the breeze. The solitude of it is a comfort I can't quite describe. It soothes. These times give me clarity and being in nature, doing good and healthy hard work with my bare hands helps me breath a little easier. Sometimes, I can even see the grace of the day; the hope, and the possibility that life can be good again.
Hope and possibility.
These days of grace do surprise sometimes.
So, what am I learning?
Well, I heard a message last Sunday that sums it up rather nicely. "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be..." (Matt 6:21) I've spent so much time away from what's important and positive in life, that my heart had grown hard and lost. So, it's time for a refocus on the things that matter. I cannot control what happens, only how I take it and react to it.
I want to be better. I want to be far more defiant against the darkness. I want to create in myself the best self I can.
There you go. Honest. Thanks for being there and thanks for reading.
Now, I need to watch some more movies so I can talk about those...lol...
Brice
Thanks for sharing. You said "it's time for a refocus on the things that matter" and I'm interested in what those might be...
ReplyDeletewow!! Loved reading this..it touched me!! I know someone wants to make you the happiest ever...smile!!! You make me smile!!
ReplyDeleteDVD,
ReplyDeleteSo good to hear from you as always. I hope you guys are doing well :)
I had a huge response for you that was pretty good and when I tried to post it, the computer froze up and I lost my internet connection so it's gone...lol.
But, in a nutshell, the answer is very simple and I know it will probably sound "Christian cliche" but I think it's where I am and what I need to refocus on.
Faith. Hope. Love. Three simple things. As I've sat back, thinking about these ideas/ concepts, I've realized over some time that they are not so simple. And, as cliche as they sound, when I dive deeper into what each truly means and stands for, they are far from being a simple answer.
Faith in God as Father. This is very difficult for me to understand and comprehend coming from an abusive home life with my step father and not knowing my real father at all growing up. This is what I struggle with understanding about God every day.
Hope in a future promised to me by God. Hope is what get's me by; I can't explain it. It is something woven so deep in my soul that it's a part of me-- somewhere inside shines a pinpoint of light guiding me in some direction I'm meant to go.
Love. As a child who never felt loved, this is something I yearn to understand (and feel, of course). We all want to be loved and we all want to be understood. I want to love the unloved and the forgotten, learn to love those who I would normally judge and feel anger towards. And, I want to love without fear and without boundaries, whether it's returned or not.
This was actually a longer answer than I had before...lol. Anyway, I hope that answers your question, my friend. Stay in touch and write anytime :)
Brice
Brice!!
ReplyDeleteForgive my tardiness to the commenting party! Interestingly, I've been incommunicado due to the same feelings you've described.
I'm so grateful that you shared tidbits of your history. Unfortunately, I have a similar story. I can empathize so much.
So, stay strong, my friend. You're good people. ;0)
Breck
I can't help but read your words over and over. You have such a talent to write! You are an inspiration.... You are beautiful on the inside and out....I have so much I could say...one day...keep the Faith..Hope..Love
ReplyDelete